An Open Letter to the Mother of the Bully at School

Dear Fellow Momma, 

Let me first say, I'm not trying to put you down. I know that kids will be kids no matter how hard we try. I know that bringing a new child in the picture isn't always easy for our little ones and that sometimes they act out and go on the defensive. We've been there too. I know that it's an adjustment and sometimes it jsut takes a while to make it through...

I see you, everyday. I see you with your children walking up to get in line for drop off at Pre-K. I see the look in your eye- that look that says, "Man, I'm really looking forward to these 3 hours that my oldest is in school." I've been there. I'm still there. Last year, I couldn't bear the thought of sending my first born, my baby, my little boy that fought so hard for his life in the beginning, to school. But then that day came and I was actually relieved. It feels weird to say, but yes I was relieved. I had a few hours at home each day with my youngest. Those hours were just for us, bonding time, a little quiet time and some time for him to be the only child- if only for those few hours. I missed my child greatly during those hours but I also cherished those times with my youngest. 

As any mom can probably relate, I was also worried. Worried about my kid's day at school, if he was making friends, if he was learning, if the other kids were nice to him, if he was nice to the other kids...all of those things were in my mind. I was also worried for his safety. In this day and age, you never know what can happen and the thought of something happening to my child when I wasn't there to protect him still haunts me every single day. 

You see, that boy of mine, the one in class with yours, he's very special to me. He was my first born. We fought hard those first few months of his life for him to be here. He fought even harder. He's the strongest little boy that I know and he inspires me everyday to be better than I was the day before. So for him to have a "friend" that's a bully in school just irritates me to the core. I hate it. I just plain hate it. I don't like to see my kid get picked on by others. I don't like him coming home from school and telling me that so and so pushed him down or spanked his butt. The "ME" inside just screams to march up to you at pickup or drop-off and tell you how it is... that the next time your child touches mine we will have problems. But the "Mom" in me says to let it go, handle it politely and teach my child the right way to handle it. 

I won't lie, I've told my child to defend himself several times. He has such a soft heart and he hates to disappoint or hurt anyone. When I said, "Well next time, just push him back," he said "NO that's not nice I'll tell my teacher." As a mom, I was proud of my child for choosing the right path on handling this. I felt good about my parenting skills in knowing that I was raising him up in the right way. But part of me wanted to scream. Part of me wants your kid to get a taste of his own medicine. 

My child knows that it's not nice to hit, push or spank other children. He knows that he needs to tell his teachers if any of this happens. He knows not to "fight" back though sometimes his daddy and I wish he would. You see, we too are raising our children in church. We also teach them to be polite, respect their elders, say please and thank you and to share and be obedient. Though we have our days where things don't always go smoothly, most of the time- he's a pretty dang good kid. He knows that Jesus wouldn't want him to hurt others, instead he wants us to show HIM to others and teach them how to be nice instead. You can understand how frustrating it is when my child is only trying to do right, yet your child is constantly bullying him for no reason other than he can. 

I get it, I get it... my child is one of the smallest in the class and it makes him an easy target. But did you know that my child was born at 2 lbs. 3.6 oz at 30 weeks? So it's safe to say that he's always going to be a little smaller than others. Did you know that a day after he was born he dropped down to 1 lb, 15 oz.? Did you know that he spent the first 2 1/2 months in a NICU and that he almost died in the first hospital? Did you know that he was life-flighted to Cardinal Glennon because the doctor didn't know what was wrong with him? Did you know that we waited almost 2 weeks before we were even able to hold our child? Did you know that I had to leave him in an incubator, in a dark room in a hospital by himself at night? I didn't get to hold him in my arms those first few months at night and feed him and bond like you did with yours. Instead, I sat by his bedside, praying that God would take care of him and see him through all these hard times. I slept in his hospital room at night in StL listening to alarms going off all the time and jumping up to make sure he was still breathing. I bet you didn't know that the doctors didn't think that he would be this "Advanced" at this age and they said that he would probably have delays. I bet you don't know how hard we worked those first few years of his life to get him caught up to the other children his age.  I bet you didn't know that every single day I thank God for my baby because I know that every day with him is a gift and it's a miracle that he's here. Do you understand now why I am so frustrated with the fact that your child is bullying mine? 

My child came home from school a few weeks back and said that another kid in his class spanked him and sent him to the corner. Today one of his friends pushed him down while they were waiting to go in. In front of everyone. You asked your child to tell mine that he was sorry and your kid refused. He looked my kid straight in the eye and REFUSED to say he was sorry. HE PUSHED my kid to the ground. That in itself demands an apology. What did my kid do to him? Absolutely nothing. Then when my child told the teacher about it while they were lining up, your kid pointed his finger in my kids face. REALLY? SERIOUSLY? Do you know that it took everything I had not to march up to you and demand an apology? 

I'm so mad. Frustrated. Furious is actually more like it. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell my child to just punch yours in the face. But instead, I'm praying for you. I'm praying that God will help you get better control of your child. Maybe you're praying for the same thing too. Maybe you're at your wits end with him and have no hope left. I get it. We've all been there before. I'm praying that you get through these tough times and that your kid will eventually "grow" out of it and start playing nice again. I'm praying that you realize that maybe this too is just a phase. Maybe he's acting out because he's not the only child anymore. Maybe he's not used to being around so many kids. I don't know. I just don't know because I don't walk in your shoes. But I do hope that one day things get better. I hope you know that you're not alone and that we have all struggled with our kids being disobedient. 

I hope you realize where I'm coming from. I hope you know that I'm not trying to put you down, but instead I'm trying to explain that yes, we've all been there but there is hope. I hope you understand where I'm coming from in the sense that I don't like my kid getting picked on. I don't like bullies. I want to protect my children and I don't want them to ever have to face a bully. They're only in Pre-K... my goodness, their only worry should be whether or not they are going outside to play that day. I want my child to leave each day for school happy and excited to see his friends and play. I don't want him dreading the thought of going to school because he's getting bullied. 

I'm that mom. I'm the mom that will stand up for my children no matter what the situation. I'm that mom that teach my children to be polite and understanding of others. To help instead of hurt. Though sometimes I want them to just stand up for themselves- I will teach them to handle situations in the right way. I see you doing the same... I pray that we can all get there and have a bully-free zone at school for our kids. 

Sincerely, 

Ami